At the ladies retreat, my dear friend shared the story of her life. It was awesome! I knew most of it but I just beamed with pride as I listened to her. I know it took lots of guts to share but the moment of truth was when I overheard 2 ladies talking. One was telling the other how much she appreciated my friend sharing her story and that no one at her church was real like that. If we can't be real what are we doing!??!?!
I then talked with the college student that lives with us that I was working on my blog and sharing what I learned from the ladies retreat and she said in a matter of fact voice, "oh, you are going to share your story!" Well, I wasn't considering it, but the more I thought about it the more I decided I should! I think being real is important and I am always trying to encourage others to be real, so it should start with me!
Here goes.......it is kind of long!!!!!
I was born into a family of a mom and dad and a brother 2 years older than me. At 3, my father died of a heart attack. He seemed to have no symptoms and it was a shock to everyone as he was in great shape. Right before my dad died, my brother started showing physical and mental problems that grew progressively worse. When my brother was 9 (I was 7), he died from that degenerative disease. My mom and I were left alone; it was just the 2 of us. I cannot even imagine how hard that was for her.
I remember my mom dating different guys until she married the summer of my 5th grade year. I was 11. They dated for about 2 years before and he brought 2 boys to the marriage. They were 4 and 5 years older than me. They did not live with us but I had an okay relationship with them.
My parents marriage always seemed rocky. My step father was very mean; he was angry and lost his temper often. Every year only got worse. There were many nights of arguing, yelling, lots of profanity and things thrown. The hardest thing for me to deal with was his repeated words of calling me a b**** and telling me "you f***ed up our marriage". I did not make things easier because I fought right back. My mom was good at calming him down. I could not stand him or the way he treated us. Once I got kicked out of the room and the door shut on me. So I went and got a gun and stood outside the room with it, planning to just shoot him in the foot, hoping that would teach him a lesson. I could not get the guts to do it, so I put the gun back.
A tradition in our family was to spend labor day weekend on the houseboat on the river. My step-dad had spent the day out there with my oldest step-brother and his track buddies from college. My mom, the younger step-brother and myself were meeting out there later after the track guys had gone. As we were loading up the houseboat with groceries from the car, I got into an argument with my step-dad about the tv and the remote. I wanted to change the channels and he kept grabbing it from me and I did not want him to do that. Things got worse to the point that he was grabbing my mom and me, throwing us together, shoving us across the room and not letting us escape. I managed to get out and found my step-brother frozen outside and we got in my car and drove to get help. After getting help, my mom, my step-brother and I left to go back to our home. I made us get clothes and go stay in a hotel. I called the police and asked if they could help. I called my other step-brother and asked if he wanted to come stay with us in the hotel room for the night. The next morning I called a lock smith and had the locks changed and took all of my step-dad's clothes and put them in one of his vehicles. Did you notice the "I" part? I did all of that, not my mom. She did nothing. There were continued issues, he would show up when my mom was not around and make me completely uncomfortable. I was just a young girl, I had no idea how to handle this. I sent letters to families asking for help, but as far as I know, no one helped.
Thanksgiving came around and my mom informed my that my aunt was coming from out of town for a visit and that my step-dad would be moving back in. The message I received was that appearances to others around us was more important than keeping me, her daughter safe. Every time my step dad would come home, I would go through his car and take all his cigarettes and alcohol and throw them all in the woods. I was so angry at him and what he was doing to our family. This horrible life continued until I was able to escape after graduating high school. I moved away to college and vowed to never move home again. But like any child, there is always a wish for things to improve or change. There were good days and bad. My step-brother moved in with my parents after he graduated college, with the plans to learn how to run the family business. It was not long until he learned that things were awful between our parents. The abuse had gotten worse and there was lots of alcohol usage. My step-brother planned a intervention and he had his dad's pharmacy license pulled to force him to go to detox. That was the most wonderful 30 days of my life!!!! We learned that he had been using alcohol for years and it was what would fuel his rage. Well, the alcohol stopped but the personality did not.
I continued to research and learn and try to figure out what the problems were and what was my part in all of it. I had assumed that when I went to college things would get better, since I believed I was the problem for their marriage. I ended up with a degree in psychology (hmm, I wonder why). Things would seem to be better and then something would trigger him and things getting worse. I kept my distance on the bad days, but enjoyed the good days when they would come.
My dating life was horrible. I didn't know it at the time but I was looking for a daddy to replace the one I never had. I dated guys just like my step-dad but thankfully there was something inside of me that told me that was not what I needed. The turning point was when a guy I was dating showed up drunk in the middle of the night at my apartment, ringing the doorbell. I opened it and told him to go home and then next day broke up with him. I had a conversation with God that I was done dating stupid guys and that I would no longer date anyone unless he was my husband. I was 20 at the time and I assumed that I would not have another date for about 5 years. Well, 3 months later, enters my future hubby. He was really awesome, seemed to have his head screwed on straight, and rode a motorcycle!! I prayed and prayed for him to go away because there was no way I was to meet my husband this soon after talking to God about that. Well 4 months later we were engaged and 4 months after that we were married.
To say that my parents didn't like hubby was a understatement. He "drove a truck" and "wore a hat". After being married the first year, I reminded my mom that this was not a game, that I was really serious. There were years of problems with my parents and my husband. I repeatedly said yes to my parents out of guilt and said no to my husband. I had things all out of whack. Luckily he stayed beside me through all of it (I am so thankful). Since our marriage is a story all its own, I will save that for later.
After waiting 10 years of marriage the children came along. Then the problems started again with my family. There were so many issues of my mother's entitlement beliefs that I do not even know where to begin. She felt like she had a right to my children whenever she wanted them. All of a sudden the things I had stuffed away reared its ugly head. The emotions that I felt as a child were all back. I realized that I had something very important to protect and it was my responsibility to do that. Of course this was met with lots of resistance. There were hours and hours of fighting in person and on the phone with my mom. There were tears shed, worrying, and lots of counseling sessions. Nothing had changed. My mom would fight me, then disappear for about 6 months (ahh, peace) and then she would return again and step carefully, then about 6 months later, she would start the fighting again! It was a horrible cycle and I had no idea how to get out of it. Finally a counselor suggested that I pick up a book that started the change in my life. I realized that I would never change my parents. I had to move on and try to have a good marriage and enjoy our 4 children. Hubby and I started to change the way we celebrated holidays, the other special events in our lives, and even the day to day of life so that it revolved around the 6 of us and not our extended family. We were beginning to see what life could really be like and how we think God intended a marriage and a family to be. I learned to go through the grief process with my parents and slowly we healed our marriage.
I think my hubby would agree that things are so much better and that we are healing from it. Our children are safe and protected from the harm that they do not deserve. We live a life different from many of the people we know. Most do not understand us or the choices we make. It they ask, I tell them the truth (since NO ONE knows the real truth, they have all been told a lie by my parents).
I am FREE!!!!! I will sing it from the rooftops! I am FREE!!!! No longer am I in the chains of my childhood!!!!
One of my favorite things a counselor said to me ..................... "do you remember much about your grandparents, how about your great grandparents. Well just think, if you and hubby can get this figured out and create an awesome marriage and a functioning family, your grandchildren will never even know of this past. You will start a NEW FAMILY STORY, one that is filled with a focus on God, love for one another and selflessness." Now that is something I can hang on to!!!!!
Life is not perfect we have setbacks. I still have issues with my parents that I have to deal with, my hubby and I fight and disagree, I let people upset me when they tell me I am a horrible person for not letting my children have a relationship with their grandparents, and my children do drive me crazy. My biggest struggle is anger! Living the life I did as a child created the anger I deal with on a daily basis. I will probably deal with that the rest of my life but I am here to tell you life does not have to continue in a way that it should not. We are free, we do not have to continue down the path we always did.
Change is hard, but after almost 17 years of marriage, I am so thankful we have taken every step to change, improve our marriage, and restructure how the 6 of us live!!! It has been worth every painful step, every 2 step forwards and 1 step back.
I share all this to say that I believe that God can use me. I know there are others out there that are struggling and dealing with problems too. Hopefully sharing my story helps you know that you are not alone, there are others out there in pain, and there is hope and healing. It all starts with sharing one another's burdens!!!
With Much Love, Marci
